I never wanted the qualities I possess
I never wanted to progress
This fast. I never wanted these tests.
I didn’t want to be this bad.
This bad at making a social life work.
But who I’m kidding, it permeates more than the social
It takes it’s absolute toll until it consumes everything I
treasure
Including my soul
It’s this difference about me, this peculiarity
I swear to all of you, I can’t stand it
Cause these things that everyone prizes about me, they make
Talking to me & falling in love with me some of the most
difficult tasks on the planet
But no one understands if they’re not me
And I swear that’s the last thing anyone should want to be
Cause I created Julius Blake for reason. It isn’t just a
name.
He’s who I am when I step outside the pain.
In a way, not even Julius gets it
Cause everyone loves him
When he writes his rhymes, they all love it
And the pain? He’s above it.
Cause when I write, everything makes sense.
I don’t understand why half the problems I have even exist.
Then I stop writing and it’s back to being Jay.
Back to living life, hoping you won’t jump off a cliff that
day.
You see how messed up this is?
Imagine how I must feel.
Knowing that no one understands you.
Not even your alter ego, someone who’s not even real.
A father who doesn’t give a fuck
And a mother who can’t help.
Grandparents who are fighting to stay alive.
Is there anyone else?
Siblings who can’t comprehend.
A bestfriend who wouldn’t know where to begin.
Ex girl’s who don’t want to be friends.
And that’s just about the end.
That’s why I hide it all.
Why I share nothing with no one.
Why I internalize my struggle.
Cause if I let it out, everyone’s peace would be undone.
And this is my finest attempt to explain it.
My tell-all to you all that will hopefully contain it.
This is what I struggle with day to day.
And it’s so much more than I think I can take.
Poetic confession.
Just another lesson.
I confess, I promise I won’t stop trying.
But the more I try, the more I feel like dying.
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