12:54 AM

It’s easy to ignore
& harder to embrace
Easy to chase
Harder to wait
Easy to hate
Harder to love
Because we run from that, you know?
We run from what love does

Hoping some lesson will reveal itself.
Standing atop an edge
On one foot, looking down.
If I jumped now ...
Is she the only one that would miss me?
I think so ... you know?
I think she’s the only one that gets a glimpse of me.

But what can even be seen in me?
Do they see this man I want to be?
Do they see this pain I live with?
This shame I sleep with?
This name I can’t miss?
This life I live ... searching for a purpose.

Nah they don’t see any of that.
They see everything I hate about myself.
Everything I never wanted to be
Everything that I try my hardest to eschew.
Everything ... except what I want them to see.

Enemy

I’m not used to loving. I’m not used to giving myself over to a connection to someone other than myself or something other than my faith.

I ran as far as I could
I didn’t care what it would take.

Or what it would take from me.

Because I can’t allow myself to love anymore
I’ve let love make me its whore.

Its concubine.

Its prostitute of pain that is here to sustain it’s wrath any time it pleases.

It uses me until I have nothing left.

It abuses me until hope seems foreign and remote.

Just hearing those words you spoke,

“I love you”

If I uttered them, I’d probably choke.

Therefore,

I mark my heart as MY territory
To those who ask, I’ll tell my story

I fell in love with someone who could never, ever love me.

That is why I’ll remain till I die

Love’s enemy.

Drunk Driver

Masochist
You are a masochist
And a drunkard

Swerving through life
You want to fight

The pain
The thirst
The hunger
The slumber

Your cup is almost empty

You whisper,

“Why is God torturing me?”

Only your words slur
Much like your virtue
You aren’t much different
Than the one who hurt you

She’s happy

You loved her already
But she found love

And you’ve been drunk ever since

You whisper,

“She’s just another bitch”

But you don’t mean that

And you won’t allow yourself to quit

So you keep looking for it
Because it makes you feel alive.
It’s killed you a dozen times
But somehow, you still survived

But you’re on the path to giving up

Drinking the whole way

You’re not sane.
Drunk off pain
Forgetting your name
Reminding the foolish girl who fell in love with you that,

“We are not the same.”

Then you crash.

And they ask

“Sir, just why were you driving drunk?”

You look up, red eyes filled with tears
And ready to burst

You whisper,

“I like the hurt”

Thursday

Spent too much time remembering
And less time forgetting.
Your consciousness and your foundation is slipping
Every time you fall into what you’re reminiscing.

You’ve been impatient enough to try to name them
Only you weren’t aware one could never tame them.

Something as … potent as a flame.

Cause in truth, they burn you.

They learn you … to the subtle truths of this heart that no one understands.

So you drift into them
And you see so many faces.
So many names and dates.
Even ones you might hate.

Like the day you were left as an infant on a couch
The day your mother hoped she’d never have to tell you about.

& you heard it through your cousin’s mouth.
& you watched as your sister fell to the ground
Crying out “no” in agony
As your heart dropped & you began to wonder just what was happening …

Because that was the first time loss entered you
The one you remember most clearly

Losing that which you love most dearly
A pain that, for a while, you felt yearly.

This hardened you.
You became a different person
With morals so foreign
It was hard to ignore it.

Falling in love a dozen times
Choosing to cling to Her instead of the strife

Until you met the love of your life
17 years old and already ready to take his bride.
But something lurked inside.
Two years later, it’s almost like she died.

And that’s how easy it is to get lost in a memory.
To lose sense of who you are in favor who you used to be.
But you already know this.
There isn’t much left for me to say.

Thursday.

Withdrawals

It hurts to hold you
But I want to anyway
I cannot scold you
I just don't know what to say

I can't hate you
For choosing to cling to the tangible
And avoid the unattainable
It's unexplainable ...

Why I still love you

Like a guilty pleasure that I'm addicted to

A fixation of the soul
Something I probably shouldn't have told

Only my heart thinks differently.
Yours calls out to me.

Cause it's still cold and it was warm before.
Don't hold me out, I'm knocking, open the door

Let me in again
I need to know I'm still loved

Even if you hate me,

Tell me you can never replace me

Tell me you'd never let another date me

Tell me you smile every time you have to face me

I'm clinging to hope for dear life

Just tell me you still love me.

I don't care if it's a lie ..

Waiting Room Blues

Now, this is a feeling I’m used to.
Also, the one I hate the most.
Sitting. Impatient. Contemplating.
Never certain of what the future holds.

Time is such a passing thing.
Similar to our forgotten fling.
Even though, that night in my father’s bed
Means more to you and occurs much less often in my head.

I forgot you, it’s true.
Perhaps, this kind of love isn’t one you’re used to.

It’s not what you wanted.
Wait for it.

And I’m still waiting.
Waiting to want you less.
You told me something else.
That suggested … we had hope.

Then I waited. I waited for you to crush it.
I waited for you to say,

“Fuck it.”

Because I knew the truth
I forgot her, I could forget you.

Then you came back.
And I’m pretty sure I had a heart attack.
Maybe not but it skipped a few beats.
Why do I cling to you … when you’ll never cling to me?

I’m waiting for it to end.
Maybe you are too.

Waiting Room Blues.

Anesthesia

And so the nurse began,

“Doctor, doctor!

Hurry before it’s too late

I don’t know how much longer he can hold on

How much more he can take

He’s been tossed and thrown by all who he gave his all
By the woman for whom he suffered his first fall
She left him vulnerable and weak
Just when he was at his peak

From that moment forward, whenever he began to speak
He felt pain.
She took his heart and dismantled it as only she knew how
So a broken heart and memories is all he has now

Oh doctor, he has barely any friends
I don’t where to begin

No one around him understands what he feels
When he speaks, they don’t comprehend
When he cries, they don’t know why
And so they just walk idly by

He screams his thoughts but no one listens
The tears fall down his face and begin to glisten
With a light that shows his momentary release
From his thoughts of being permanently deceased

Doctor, he’s strung out!

He’s addicted to love
Addicted to self-destruction
He doesn’t know for certain
If anyone has ever loved him

For his own mother ran away from him
She sacrificed motherhood for the man she loved.
His father doesn’t love him because while he wears his face,
He’s everything he never wanted him to be and thus everything he hates.

So now their son is a masochistic addict of pain and love.
He feels more than anyone would know he does.
He screams with terror for it all to go away
But in his efforts for peace, he only finds heartache”

So now the Doctor knew what was required. As he yanked the syringe from his jacket, he began to speak

“He’s tired.
And I know, most of all, how that feels.
Therefore, I know how to heal … this young man.
Who has only done the best he can.”

Then the doctor stabbed the needle into his arm
Waiting for the substance to take effect

“He will find peace now.
He will love it until it is done.
Let him fall in love with sweet anesthesia.
Let make love to feeling of being numb.”

And then they departed.

Picasso

I want to paint pictures
I want you to see the images behind these words so the pain hits ya

I want you to see a six year old, skinny little boy with nothing but innocence in his chest
Now I want you to see the college stoner who can roll a barely smokable blunt at best

I want you to see the colors I’ve seen
The callous black skin of my father
The love he has is tinted by a jealous green

I want you to see the addict that shares my body
See his withdrawals and his rampage
See how he fell in love at much too young an age

See him scratch at my heart begging me to allow her in
But I know it’s my sin

My anguish

Sure, we can love but do we understand it?
We cause pain because we can’t stand it.

Therefore, the kids call love pain nowadays
And all the pretty ones are rushed away

I want you to see why I want to chase.

To see the agony in my face
The denial of my fate

The longing for an answer
Is love a gift? Or a cancer?

I wish I could draw.

Written Tears

God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. The ones who fight the best fight.

I guess that's why finding out my parents never loved me came as no surprise

But,

I've learned to love myself
through my tears
through the years
But still I have fears

I'm scared
That these words mean nothing
That we were never something
But mostly, of what people think I'm becoming

I'm losing so much and gaining so much at the same time
It's like a ... changing of the guard.
I'm afraid of what these new people will think of these scars

These reflections of the boy I used to be
The boy that was never me

So when I asked the girl if she loves me
And she said,

"Yes, more than myself"

I felt like screaming for help.

The scars, does she see them?
The pain, does she feel it?
I wish she did and I wish she didn't.
I wish this upon no one,

I wish I didn't have to keep it hidden
But I guess it's not anymore.
It's written.

4:20 At The Bar (with Lux)

Voices in my head
As my thoughts race
Taking sips
Not knowing what lies ahead

But instead, I’d much rather remain blurry

Inhaling in a hurry, trying to forget the problems of the present

Only now I’m second-guessing

Do we get closer to hell as we wait for heaven?

Hanging over the bed never felt so pleasant
My favorite thing is my worst weapon
Looking in the mirror almost in denial
Crooked smile, second guessin’. Never learned my lesson.

But though this guess is second

It’s first in my eyes.

Something I used to despise became my way of life.

And an escape from all the strife.

Driving my life downhill
Under the pressure, I feel like I’ll fail
I never been much of a quitter
I’m pretty sure my family can tell

Now I feel like I’m under a spell

Forever loving the beautifully shattered

And clinging to a fantasy inspired by a piece of art

So I walk along the trail, trying not to fall apart

But watch out for my mess
Don’t slip in the spill
As they continue to preach
The prayers they’re sending never seem to reach

But think before you speak

Hope is powerful but not easily held onto.

Like a child with a balloon

Don’t let yours go and watch it float toward the moon

Helping hand after helping hand
Bar stool after bar stool
Never seeming to grasp reality, been stuck in this rut
Not really feeling it, it’s in my gut

Some of these doors should’ve remained shut.

Ignorance is bliss but it doesn’t provide that much

For if it had been enough,

Then I know I would’ve already given up.

Never really knowing how much is too much
My conscience fights constantly
I just never listened enough
People just don’t understand, they never listen to us

Elevated enough.

Looking down at myself now.

My lust for clouds and my thirst for peace

Keep me at ease, as I ignore the devil’s pleas.

Remember?

I’m having a hard time remembering.
Bare with me.

Your emotions were much too strong to reciprocate
It was easy for you to give it
But it was hard for me to take

I wasn’t ready for love
I wasn’t ready to let myself become so vulnerable
That even the sun’s touch made my skin shift slightly

To become so open
That a mirror read my soul
And only I know what it holds

So it was harder once you knew

Once we went from first names to first kisses to the word boo

Then baby and lover

Oh how I wish I had moved slower
Because I forgot it too fast

I miss the kisses and the sleeping at night
I know it isn’t right
I have someone and you know they’re good to me
You know they love me

But you still tempt me
With these visions of our wedding
But I can’t stop forgetting
What it was like to love you.

I Love You's

“I love you”

Do you love me?
I know I heard you say it but did you mean it?
Because when the words flowed off your lips, I could tell they might not be the truth
I could tell I might not be the girl for you
So forgive me from my refrain
Because I so clearly see your pain
And I can’t let myself do it again

I can’t fall in love with someone who does not love me
Someone who just wants someone to be close to
Someone who intends to use me
Like a brilliant piece
Composed by an orchestra

I don’t want you to look at me and ask, “why’d you torture her?”

But at the same time, I find myself falling for you all over again
As if it was predestined from above
You make it so easy to taste,
The subtle, creeping sensation of love

And I can’t fight it but I try
To make myself stronger than you think.
Only I fail and I’m at the brink
Of saying it once again

You said it first
But it could’ve been a lie, an untruth
And I know that
But still I utter to you,

“I love you too.”

LND

Two years ago, I fell in love
But that isn't why I'm hurting
At least not anymore
These days, I'm never sure

No my pain stems from something else
Something I'm not sure can be helped
Because though I was in love, I still loved
And fiercely too

But then my growth betrayed you
My changes, they dismayed you
I tried to persuade you
That I was still the same guy

But even then I knew it was a lie

I can't help the fact that I'm changing
Because half the time, I'm not trying to.
I wish I could be the guy you knew two years ago
I wish you could see just how much I know

And understand that those words weren't meaningless
And that I cried whilst typing them
That I felt like I died
When you turned your back on me

And left me exposed for the world to see

I trusted you with my heart
And you knew that.
Didn't stop you from tearing it apart.

It didn't stop you from ridiculing me for being myself
It didn't stop you from laughing at the fact that I still love you
It didn't stop you from judging everything I do
It didn't stop you from ... matter of fact, it did nothing at all.

Is that believable?
That I offered you my all, everything I had to offer
And you still spat in my face.
Is that conceivable?

Because no matter how smart I convince myself I am
No matter what advice I offer to others
Admittedly, I never saw this coming
And the realization of that makes me shudder

I don't know if you'll ever read this. I don't know if some part of you still cares. But if you do, please know that when I said I loved you, I meant it. That's why I can't stop.

I started off saying ...

I fell in love two years ago.
I haven't been right since that night.
Because even though you weren't who I fell in love with,
Love never dies.

I'm always going to fucking love you.

Naked

She saw me naked once
Her eyes had such vivid imagery
The anticipation behind it
The longing

See because nowadays we all wear so many layers
Cold World. Multifaceted agents of concealment.
But some of us, we like being naked.
We love the feel of it.

The intense desire to hide is long gone
No longer do you feel trapped and held back
Truth be told, I miss that
But being naked leaves you open to attack

But she didn’t attack me.
At least not right away
And the fact that she didn’t run
Made me think she was here to stay

She, who saw the burn marks on my flesh
The self-inflicted scars across my chest
The bruises on my ribs that my father left
The reason I so easily lose my breaths

She thought I was beautiful still
She smiled as she made sure others wouldn’t see
For my nakedness was now hers
She whispered,

“You belong to me”

Being naked with her was being in Eden
We were the new Adam and Eve.
Both blissfully naked and in love.
That is … until history repeats.

So the snake came along and beguiled my Eve.
Only she knew she was being deceived.
I fell to my knees, in pain, asking God if he could please
Relieve me of this nakedness that betrayed me.

Being naked became a curse.
An affliction of those who were stupid.
And now no matter what I desire,
I won’t fall victim to Cupid.

She was the only one who ever saw me naked.
Only her. Not even family or friends.
But I learn from my mistakes. I’m cautious now.
I just can’t wait to be naked again.

18 Months

New birth. New life.
So free of pain
Such sweet absence of color
So pure, so white

A young woman, with no foundation.
Blame her upbringing, she is much too complacent.
Not yet fit for life, let alone a son.
So this had to be rectified, undone.

Only she didn’t expect to love him this much.
To miss his touch.
His 3AM cries for attention
and his overall presence and existence.

He is the first boy, after all.
He is her treasure.

The thoughts crash against each other destructively inside her head
They don’t make it any better
They don’t make it easier giving up her treasure
The first boy and her everlasting joy but ..

Not the last.

No, the newest addition is cooking in the oven.
While his father spent time juggling soap,
Another baby? It’s all so sudden.
How else could she cope?

This isn’t the first seed either, the first boy is number two.
That would make the newest one, number three.
First one, a girl, popped out at sixteen.
Every girl’s worst dream.

A mother of three by 21.
Just another statistic

She isn’t dumb.
Perhaps just a bit too foolish.
Maybe this obsessive desire for love is hereditary.
Damn … that’s heavy.

Then she arrived at his grandmother’s house.

I can see her face now.
Tear streaks barely visible on her newly red cheeks.
The blood rising to a perfect height to illustrate
The amount of gall it would take,

To do what she is about to do.

Small talk is a means to an end.
Making sure Grandma wouldn’t know.
Carefully hiding her pain and shame,
Ensuring it would never show.

“You know, mama pat. I’m out of diapers.
I had been meaning to stop and get some.”

Then she rose from the couch in a hurry and, I imagine, she stared at her son.

One sole tear falling down her face,
Before Grandma could turn around.
She is gone without a trace,
Free and far away now.

So he sits there on the couch in his car seat,
Sleeping. Essence white as an angel’s skin with a pure soul.
Unlike his mother, devoid of any pain or shame
At this age, he doesn’t even know his name

Or …

The fact that he’s only eighteen months old.

Wanderer

Lost in the void,
I know you feel me

You’re just drifting
No destination in mind
A few places you could go
Not like you don’t have the time

Time

Infinite and finite, simultaneously
Running out of it but still so much to keep
Asking yourself if you still have enough
Or maybe you’re out of chances to find love

Love

A drug. Like none other.
An addiction you can’t shake
Suffering withdrawals, clawing at the point of entry
Wondering when you’ll have it and never again feel empty

It just throws itself at you
You reach for it as if it’s right in front of you
Like Gatsby reached for his sweet Daisy
It’s a dream that only seems possible when you’re sleeping

Reminiscent of the time when you thought it was possible
Looking over your shoulder at the past
Until you begin backpedaling into the chasm
Why you can’t conjure amnesia, well that’s something you’ll never fathom

So amongst this throng of rights and wrongs,
A picture, a photograph comes along
And her face brings back so much warmth and strength
Until you realize why the connection teetered on such a short length

But you can’t cry.

It’s like willingly taking a knife to the stomach.
Then praying that no one will see you bleed.
As much as you love her and miss her,
No one can know just how much of her you need

You need quite a lot.
Don’t think you realized it until she walked away.
It seems your time isn’t the only finite resource,
Friendships come and go, of course.

But I know the truth.

You whisper to yourself in the nighttime
That these feelings, “they shouldn’t be mine”
You want to deny them for all they do is build more walls
But in your efforts to tear them apart, you fall.

Horribly.

Depleted canteens, exhaustion. Dying of thirst.
No more water for you.
Enter the desert with those red eyes, clouded by a mirage
Seeing you as everything but yourself. Pitiful façade.

You’re not us.

You’re not like the rest of us.
You’re peculiar. You’re strange. A beautiful tragedy.
You could’ve been but then God would’ve made a mistake.
So this is who you had to be.

This is the path you’re destined to walk.
One narrower and less broad than that of everyone else.
Your pain, it demands to be felt.
As always, it’s too strange to be helped.

So you just bear it all in silence
and you continue to drift.

Don’t worry about if you’ll be missed
Just go.

Walking off to the corner and existing from afar,
The undeniably bleak and faded Wanderer.

Jigsaw

A lonely piece with honest intentions
Flipping on each side
Maneuvering itself any way it can
Just trying to fit in

It’s moving all over the place
Running out of space
Picture it a person,
Imagine the look on its face

The look of a tired man,
Who feels ready to give up.
Frown lines etched on his forehead
He feels dead.

Wherever it goes, it’s out of place.
It’s that one piece in the boxes that just doesn’t fit exactly
So it tries to chisel its edges to the perfect shape
Until it loses its originality

Trying to push itself in between
Just trying to be seen
But at the same time
A strange desire for invisibility

Serenity
For it would be
To blend in blissfully
Losing any color it may have had previously

Wandering now,
No puzzle to call home.
No picture to complete.
No place to call its own.

Jigsaw piece without a puzzle
I know you feel me.

Blurry

Rub your eyes, clear your soul
You don’t know what this heart holds

The vapor is thick, it’s opaque at times
It manifests in a rhyme
Then it dies. It subsides.
But only for a moment, only for you.

You see my eyes behind the smoke

You look for my soul at the center of the silhouette

You assume I don’t possess one

Just because you fail to see it.

You can’t see me, I’m too hazy
Too easily concealed behind the fog that is my pain
The love that is my shame
The curse that is my name

You see a figment of your imagination when you look at me
You only see what you want to see
Or what I want you to see
But it’s never me.

I keep myself hidden quite well
Behind these shared tales
These walls of fog and distortion
This crepuscular contortion

The dense smoke originating from my lungs is so efficient
It makes me so different.
So veiled you have to squint your eyes to see
Even then, it’s still impossible to see me

Then for once, I stop exhaling
I stop breathing out the ostensibly thick vapors that act as walls
Between who I am and who you want me to be and what you actually see
I stop breathing …

Then you look at me
You see who I am for the very first time, suffering sudden realizations
Then the smoke is gone & I am dying of asphyxiation
Letting you look at me

After all this time, I am not at all what you expected to see.

So,

I fill the air with more and more vapor

Just to escape

Just to float above your consciousness

Just to evade your glance

I don’t want you to see me anymore
We need not occupy the same space
So let me leave your vision for now,
I’ll be back but until then I’m hope you remember

My blurry face

Visions

Hallucinations. A premonition.
Of a lost time where I didn’t worry about what I was risking.
Sins I thought I forgot, but I find myself missing.
Diving deeper into this puddle, sinking.

The bowl is half full only when my brain’s empty.
Look at the boy you raised, addicted to THC.
Never thought this would be the me I grew up to see,
In the mirror everyday. Plus he’s here to stay.

He seems blinded to most but those with similar eyes know.
While seemingly without purpose, he has visions.
Hallucinations. Premonitions.
Where he isn’t a weed-smoking lost cause. He’s a little different.

Red eyes, red eyes.
Don’t betray me with these cloudy lies.
She lies in front me, rubbing her hands over her thighs.
Ignorant of the truth. I’m impervious to her guise.

You are not love.
You are lust wearing a mask.
Had Mary not married me tonight,
It would’ve been a truth I could not grasp.

My vision is cloudy but not defective.
I’m my own detective.
One shattered piece of this broken collective,
Called Earth. Life. A paradise that is so deceptive.

Red eyes, red eyes.
Don’t mislead me with those fires.
Don’t make me love and then make me tired.
Don’t allow hate to rise any higher.

You are not allies.
You are satisfaction manifested in conditional instances.
From that, draw this: you only love me when I’m not “different.”
Apparently, same is sane now a days. Conformity is gifted.

Only, that’s never been me.

I walk in a different direction, I step in different ways.
I don’t age. My art stays eternal, my mind creates for days.
So, believe me, my death at your hands was only brief.
I resurrected the night I realized you ain’t shit, unworthy of my grief.

Fret not.
My words are rarely taken to heart.
I lost my leeway and my mind in the same night.
So, to most, I probably look like I don’t know where to start.

Liner notes of my mind were burned long ago.
Back when all I knew was that I didn’t know.
Now I’m a little more enlightened and a lot less frightened.
Life is monster but my soul is a titan.

I’m still having visions.
Hallucinations. Premonitions.
Of a time when I won’t need to cry, much less through a rhyme.
Hope, I see you in the distance. Don’t take your time.

Falling

Allow me to preface this with one absolute truth. I never will and never have stopped loving you.

Close your eyes, open your mind.

Imagine living in a world where you feel foreign all the time.
Your family, your lover, your friends. They don’t understand.
So you drift into this space occupied by those society threw away,
Until one day …

Someone opens the door.

She speaks to you with kindness and sincerity.
She makes it easier for you to talk because she gets it.
She isn’t like the others, her mind is different.
She’s a kindred spirit.

A lovely flower that blossomed adjacent to you.

You don’t even have to try so hard for photosynthesis
Your mind feeds her hunger and satiates her until she’s full.
So much alike
In both your unique differences

You let her in, you allow her to enter your heart.
You know this is how it starts but you do it anyway.
You just know she’s here to stay.
You fall in love with her.

You cling to her, hoping she’ll never get tired of you.
You make sure she knows that you love her more than life itself.
You tell her everything and nothing at the same damn time.
She can know that you love her but not that you stop breathing when she doesn’t reply.

And she stopped replying weeks ago.

You gave her a name.
Something to remind her that you two are the same
Can’t bring yourself to utter it now because it’ll rip you apart
Yet you know it’s still in your heart.

And that’s why it hurts.

That’s why the pain became so blinding and so searing that you contemplated suicide for the first time in five years. Just to escape from it.

You’re losing breaths still, trying to get her out of you head.

The pain tells you it won’t stop, not until you’re dead.

Yeah, that’s what this feels like.