Big Sister

We were never close and truthfully that’s not our fault

But it doesn’t make the pain of it any easier

It doesn’t make the distance any smaller

In fact, it makes it harder.

Knowing that this space between us

It came from our mother

And even though we both love her,

Don’t deny that she made you hate your little brother

And of course, I mean myself

I mean who else?

Cause there’s only two more

And you love them so much, I’m sure

But I’m the one who you’re ashamed of

And the one you never wanted

Even though, all I ever wanted and all I craved

Was your love. You couldn’t see that all those days?

Must come as a shock to you after all this time

To know that the monster you saw

And the hideous little nigga you despised

Just wanted to know you loved him. That’s right.

I heard you say it a few times

But I never knew if you meant it

I wanted to believe it so desperately

But I just couldn’t, it just never felt real to me

Over time, we became closer

And the pain subsided a little

I think you started to notice

How different I was from when we were little

I had matured and grown up

But more importantly, I was able to be myself

And you saw me for me, not who you thought I was

And I love you for that sis cause it really helped.

It helped me believe that my life wasn’t as fucked up

As it always seemed and made me dream

Dream of the day when it would be perfect

Cause I finally had my sister’s love so I knew it was all worth it

And then we hit a speedbump

On our road to serenity and peace

Cause our shared little brother had done something

Something neither of us could believe

And to this day, I think you thought I knew

But when you called me, I told you the truth

And I swear to you

That’s what it was

So now as I prepare to mature in the most complete way

There’s just one last thing to you I would like to say

Let’s start with you still don’t know the true me

And it’ll take you a while to see

But that’s alright sister, I promise you.

Just don’t forget about your little brother.

Don’t forget how much he loves you.

How much he wished you loved him like the others.

I don’t know if you’ll call me back

But just know, I’ll always answer.

I love you so much, Deangela.

I’ll always love you, my Big Sister.