Lost Ones

He took a little sip and hit the blunt one time. Then he drunkenly spoke these rhymes,

Every time you show up, I blow up. With excitement at the prospect or possibility that you’d finally stay with me. Something like eternity. Yeah, I want it forever. Cause that’s all I really want from life. I mean it feels like I don’t get enough of it. Like whenever I get a taste of love, I feel like it came from God above. Himself.  Especially delivered for me.

But I think that’s why I lost it so many times. Cause I had to realize when you were or weren’t supposed to be mine. I had to ask myself. How could something as deceiving as love feel so divine?

And each time I did, I lost one.

The preface of my first is in my church. Living life and keeping calm. Until I felt her touch my palm. That one fateful day. Memories that never fade. She said,

“Hi, my name is Sharvai.”

And then I said,

“Wassup? You can call me Jay.”

But quick to set herself apart and this is where the attraction starts, she says

“Okay but what’s your full name? I told you mine, that’s not fair.”

I said,

“Okay, okay, it’s Jalen. There.”

We both laughed and smiled. I knew what was happening but I couldn’t contain it for one minute. I couldn’t spin it. Or shake it off me. This attraction and what her smile was doing to me.

This went on for a while until it blossomed into a full-blown relationship. Nothing could stop how we felt and we knew that before we could even begin. The talk of the church and all our friends. We were the perfect couple, the perfect match. Nothing to argue about. No exes trying to attack.

But then it all went south. Hearing things, rumors, whispers. All through word of mouth. I went to her and I wanted to know. But for the first time, her sadness or rather her impassiveness began to show. She wanted something else and she had decided it before letting me know. How could she be so cold? How could everyone know and not I? How could this have happened when I was being the perfect guy?

And then I lost one.

So the next one begins a little less random. I was in my junior year of high school and I was just chilling with my bros until I saw her walk in class. Usually for a girl like her, I’d just stare at her ass. Please don’t judge me. But nah I was more concerned with her face. Cause the lines of her beauty were things that I could not trace. And by that I mean she wore no make up or lip gloss or anything. She was beautiful without it.

So I confided in one of my brothers that I was attracted to her. Not knowing this same man was one of the ones who wanted her number. But EA was a real ass nigga anyway. He told me she was talking to some guy already and I got a little discouraged. I didn’t think I had a chance but fate had another plan. She dropped her man and it was my turn.

So I pulled her from the lunch table and explained how I felt and turns out she already knew. She says

“I can read you.”

And that’s what pulled me in with her. She could look at me and know how I felt. A skill so foreign to everyone else.

Well let’s make a long story short. We had a fling and then she cut it off but I was too far in. Too close to what felt like her skin. My thoughts filled with so much sin. But it was really just a mirage for something far more sinister. I should’ve sought counsel from a minister. Cause truthfully, if my heart were gift wrapped with a card, I would’ve given it to her.

Then we rekindled our flame during the summer where she gave me a nickname that symbolized how things weren’t the same. She loved me now and I had never stopped loving her. The more and more I talked to her, the deeper I fell in and the more of my heart she possessed. She never abused it either. She made my life so much brighter.

But high school got in the way. My happiness wasn’t here to stay. We broke up that day. Cause I refused to be a homecoming date. Then other niggas took notice and started plotting on her. While I, without her, just became a loner.

Then one of them made way into her life but she assured me he was just a friend but that’s where it always begins. We got back together and he was still around. He was still popping up at her locker. Still walking in her classes. It was madness. I asked her,

“I’ve never been that nigga to try to control you. But I want to know. If I wanted you to stop talking to him, would you let him go?”

“Jalen-”

and from there, I had my answer. See cause she never ever called me Jalen. I told you the nickname meant things weren’t the same. If she called me anything other than Jay Bear then her love for me was no longer there. No I didn’t want to hear the rest. That was a test. And she failed.

And I lost one.

They’re together now, if that means anything.

But on to the next, she was more than just a fling. Even though at first, that’s what she seemed. She lived far away too. But I convinced myself that a love that wasn’t easy wouldn’t be deceiving or deceive me.

I was wrong.

For a long time, we talked all day everyday. She craved my attention and there wasn’t much she had to say. I practically ate out of her hand. But she would never allow me to be her man. All we did was keep our fling alive. A fling that could thrive but one that contained half-heartedness on her side.

She was feeling someone else, someone closer to her. Someone more appealing to her. Someone she thought was feeling her.

But he wasn’t.

I knew that but I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t hurt her. I loved her. So I tried to sway her from him. Tried to make her feel me more than him but it never worked. It hurt. To see someone like her be taken away so easily. It was killing me. It was maddening. Until eventually, I gave up on it. I let her go and I let her know,

“I can’t do this anymore.”

She said,

“Are you sure?”

I said,

“Never been more,”

and then I lost one.