Miscarriage

He was 15.

It started at a party. One of the wildest ones of his life. Summer of 2010, he’ll never forget it. Nothing but weed and beer in his body and sex on his mind. Nothing but 8’s, 9’s and dimes. Good music too. Then he heard someone say,

“Damn you actually look cute.”

He turned around and saw her.

“Haaaaa you too! I’m just kidding you always look cute.”

They laughed and took drinks from their respective cups. Her name was Brittany.

Then the party moved at a much slower pace. I mean it wasn’t a race but everyone just slowed the steps they’d take. He pulled her to the dance floor and held her waist as he pulled her even closer.

Then she whispered in his ear,

“there’s an empty room over there.”

She took him to the room where his deepest fantasies had always loomed. Brittany was one of the baddest he’d ever seen and he had longed for months to get between …

Yeah

So she kissed him passionately and drunkenly. They were both drunk in fact. He caressed her back and lifted her up in the air. Her legs wrapped around him. He spotted the bed and laid her down softly as their tongues intertwined as she gripped his head.

“Wait I don’t have a condom.”

“We don’t need one. Come on”

He knew what to do but he knew what he wanted to do too.

So he did it anyway.

Weeks later, he gets a call from an unknown number.

“Hello, who this?”

“It’s … it’s me.”

“Got to be a little more specific for me.”

“It’s Brittany.”

“Oh what’s up? You good? You sound like you’re crying.”

Cause she was. Every word was filled with a cry. She felt like she was about to die but that was the farthest thing from his mind. It wasn’t that type of cry.

It was more like fear.

She kept talking and kept crying and all he wanted to know was what was wrong with her.

“Brittany, what’s wrong, why did you call me?”

She began to speak but to this day, he only remembers one word: pregnancy.

He was speechless. Like God had commandeered his voice for a hot second. Not time for speech impediments and second-guesses. This was real & he had absolutely no clear idea what to feel.

He dealt with it though. He had grown up fast. He rushed to her house and cried with her before her mother came home. He knew he was wrong. To have done this to her. To have given her this curse. This monster that he had birthed.

But then he spent time with her and she became his girl. The child and Brittany became his world. They began to love each other and care for each other. I mean after all she was about to be the mother, of his unborn child. He couldn’t leave her now.

Except things got worst.

He was at work one day when he got a text message from her brother that would say,

“I’ve got to talk to you, bro”

he replied back,

“about what?”

Her brother said,

“it’s about Brittany, I can’t bring myself to say it”

then he texted back one word, he’ll never forget

“Miscarriage”

the weight of it all crushed him. He felt like giving up on this life shit. He saw a car coming up the street and almost jumped in front of it. He cried for days. What the hell else could he say?

He saw her that day and she comforted him too and he just kept saying

“I’m sorry I did this to you.”

But that isn’t who he wants to apologize to now. It’s his child.

He uttered these words,

I don’t know if you can see this or how it works. But just know, I’m still hurt. Know I loved you more than my own life and that I wanted something for you that would bear no strife. I wanted you to have a life too. A chance to be something that people would look up to. That’s what I wanted for you. Don’t know if you were a boy or a girl but you were my world. I love you.