first anniversary

as i opened my eyes

and bundled myself in the blankets

you came to mind 

i waited 

say something, i thought 

the tension built up 

i knew the end was coming 

but the tears didn't come until it happened

because of hope 

my eyes fluttered open as i was thinking about your voice 

and my phone lit up 

indicating by the noise 

that you've decided to call 

to end it all 

to me, the pain i was enduring 

was worth the happiness you caused

after you said "it's just too hard"

"I have to be a man"

"you deserve better"

"I still love you from the bottom of my heart"

no word 

no thought 

entered my mind 

except "happy one year anniversary"

but i knew you didn't realize it

you wouldn't be that cold 

...i was traumatized 

and all i did was cry 

until i heard the beeps

and you weren't on the line 

i kept crying until i heard the city

and the house waking up 

to start a new day 

and mine was already fucked

called in sick 

and cried myself to sleep

woke up 

threw up 

waited four more days to eat 

i've never been that weak

never did i sob for that long

my pillow had turned into an absorber 

more like a sponge 

i cried myself a migraine 

i didn't know i had that many tears 

until they ran out

and i just sat there

silently dealing with the despair 

your love was the one 

but i've waited for this day 

because that day

was the worst of my life

and today i'm stronger 

and it's better 

and it gives me hope 

because i may be alone 

but i'll never be as alone as i was

and i need to know that i've grown 

since then 

since april 22nd