Dirty

This time, I wasn't unprepared.

This time I could see the razors hidden in your smile. 

This time I could sense the venom entangled in your sweet words

and I tasted arsenic as our tongues battled to prove who missed who more- who lusted more.

Each kiss a stab at the solid resolve I had constructed for my soul since our last meeting. It crumbled easily. I had always come apart easily by your hands. 

Your hands.

Rougher than I had remembered, they sobered me from such intense intoxication. Your fingers offered my veins the ketamine to dull the rampant emotions coursing through capillaries endlessly for six months. These touches weren't tender as they once were, they were carnal, and this tryst was only a sickly shadow of those innocent in our time before. This tryst was an attempt to breathe life into feelings gone stone by winter, to reignite the tinders glowing low.

I couldn't bear the acid burns you brought to my skin, I made no noise for you. I couldn't stand that crooked, proud smile, I didn't brave a look at you.  

I cried for me, and lied for you, for how unclean I was made by you.

12:54 AM

It’s easy to ignore
& harder to embrace
Easy to chase
Harder to wait
Easy to hate
Harder to love
Because we run from that, you know?
We run from what love does

Hoping some lesson will reveal itself.
Standing atop an edge
On one foot, looking down.
If I jumped now ...
Is she the only one that would miss me?
I think so ... you know?
I think she’s the only one that gets a glimpse of me.

But what can even be seen in me?
Do they see this man I want to be?
Do they see this pain I live with?
This shame I sleep with?
This name I can’t miss?
This life I live ... searching for a purpose.

Nah they don’t see any of that.
They see everything I hate about myself.
Everything I never wanted to be
Everything that I try my hardest to eschew.
Everything ... except what I want them to see.

golden rule

those people 

who'd always have each other?

it's true.. 

that no one can return this love

when you dealt with that heartache 

that heartbreak

who was there?

was it not me?

was i not your star?

was i not the one who comforted you?

convinced you of how perfect you really are?

how you'd move on 

love on 

and i'd help you stay strong?

that came along for you 

i'm glad it did

that's how i want to see you

happy

-                          -                          -

are we really that alike though?

tell me now..

when it came my turn

to hurt and to cry 

when every day became another reason to die 

you told me that i couldn't be like that 

told me that i was ruining your happy life 

that i shouldn't feel this way 

or i should listen to what you had to say 

and i guess you forgot 

you were exactly like me 

and i was exactly like you 

except i was persistent 

to see that you were given what you deserved 

freedom of that dread 

and exactly how we switched places 

you switched up 

you were the one who began to give up 

on me 

the one who made sure you'd be happy

you left me

hurting

Chasing Nostalgia

I often find myself pacing backwards
Gazing far off into the cosmos
And though the past is nothing but a black bird
And intangible... I never seemed to get the memo
I dance to the tempo of our past's pulsing inferno
And even though I've changed for the better
Somehow I still miss the old me
I miss how every day I'd write the old you a letter
But the old us is gone and we're stuck with what we've came to be
You held me up by the waist with Orion's Belt
We danced around one another like binary stars
And though it was hell, I yearn for the pain I once felt
And when we collapsed into a black hole we tore apart all the light and dark matter afar
Our demise too massive to calculate with calculus or algebra
So why do I still find myself chasing nostalgia?

love life

i love everyone

all i do is love 

and no one loves me 

this isn't self pity 

this is me realizing 

that i want to end 

and i always have 

because i know that they're not capable of caring for me

of being there for me

these wounds are always reopened

the blade always re-enters

after i fall for the lies that i tell myself 

that maybe if i look hard enough i'll find someone who can, who does 

love me 

i won't 

not the people who brought me life

not my brother who i lost long ago 

not any love of mine 

they could never become lovers

and maybe not god 

since he's the one who can watch me suffer

this heart of mine 

this mind 

can only take so much 

and i'm sick of being saved from the knives that could end this and uncover 

the only thing 

that is dark enough

and consuming enough

to be my lover

death

first anniversary

as i opened my eyes

and bundled myself in the blankets

you came to mind 

i waited 

say something, i thought 

the tension built up 

i knew the end was coming 

but the tears didn't come until it happened

because of hope 

my eyes fluttered open as i was thinking about your voice 

and my phone lit up 

indicating by the noise 

that you've decided to call 

to end it all 

to me, the pain i was enduring 

was worth the happiness you caused

after you said "it's just too hard"

"I have to be a man"

"you deserve better"

"I still love you from the bottom of my heart"

no word 

no thought 

entered my mind 

except "happy one year anniversary"

but i knew you didn't realize it

you wouldn't be that cold 

...i was traumatized 

and all i did was cry 

until i heard the beeps

and you weren't on the line 

i kept crying until i heard the city

and the house waking up 

to start a new day 

and mine was already fucked

called in sick 

and cried myself to sleep

woke up 

threw up 

waited four more days to eat 

i've never been that weak

never did i sob for that long

my pillow had turned into an absorber 

more like a sponge 

i cried myself a migraine 

i didn't know i had that many tears 

until they ran out

and i just sat there

silently dealing with the despair 

your love was the one 

but i've waited for this day 

because that day

was the worst of my life

and today i'm stronger 

and it's better 

and it gives me hope 

because i may be alone 

but i'll never be as alone as i was

and i need to know that i've grown 

since then 

since april 22nd

bouquet

"you said i was the most exotic flower, holding me tight in our final hour.. "

 they say every rose has it's thorn 

i believe that holds true 

when i was growing and enjoying 

the only thing i knew

you saw me and wanted me 

instantly 

who wouldn't? 

a beautiful rose 

with a strong stem

and pedals

red pedals 

with a scent that 

would draw anyone 

to me 

into it 

you picked me

out of every other flower that had bloomed

and maybe you were too focused

on my beauty

to see that i was cutting you

the thorns 

that come with the red pedals

the thorns that you would love

and learn from

because i was something that you couldn't stray from

mesmerized 

as you cut me, you killed me

put me in a vase with water and food

so i was all yours

and so that the only way i could live, was through you

you couldn't let me live alone

because you wanted another rose in your vase

of beautiful flowers that are stuck, in your bouquet

that've hurt you, pricked you. 

maybe it would've been better for us two 

if you admired from afar 

and if i let you smell the sweet scent 

and caress my pedals 

maybe we could both deal 

maybe that'd be enough

instead of the hurt, the thorns

we could live the life that they've deprived us of